Thursday, October 30, 2014

Quotes From Comedian Mitch Hedberg Of The Day

RIP, you funny dead bastard.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off?"

This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky.

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!

How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular."

What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance!

I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar!"

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I love sandwiches. Sandwiches are easy to eat, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis; too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side.

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!

I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe s. Reese-apostrophe-s, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"

Spoof Of The Day: Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln Commercials

I don't watch SNL, so I missed these. Until today.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Playground Fails Of The Day

Thanks for the idea, Frannie M.

Related: Nightmare Playgrounds

News: Butt-Dial 911 Confession Leads To Arrests

Ha ha, ya thievin' dipshits. From MSN.
Couple Butt-Dial 911, Confess To Crime

A US couple have been arrested after they accidentally pocket-dialed 911 during a robbery getaway.

Aaron Burrell, 37, and Yvonne Thyberg, 35, mistakenly made the phone call after they allegedly stole a television from a house in Roswell, New Mexico.

Local police released the audio of the call which reveals the pair discussing their alleged heist.

“We basically robbed them, dude,” one of the two suspects said.

“I know we should have gotten a lot more, but you know what, my only thing is that we got away safe, clean.”

The pair went on to detail the crime, with Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” playing in the background, in the unintentional 45-minute confession.

“We rolled over to Hervey Street and took it out of the [expletive] house,” one of the suspects said.

A police officer was sent to the address mentioned in the call and found that it had indeed been burglarized, a police spokesman said.

The pair are in custody and due to face court next week.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Last-Minute Halloween Costume Idea Of The Day: Edgar


Dance Craze Fail Of The Day

I don't think this caught on, thank Christ. It's the first I've heard of it. Link from Rich Girl Red.

The Best Dog In the World (Of The Day)

Or so she says.

Halloween Costume Cutie Of The Day

She wins Halloween. Link from Julie Martin.

From Bored Panda:
Willow is a little 2-year-old girl from Southern California whose mother, photographer Gina Lee, has given her a big head-start in the Halloween costume competition department by dressing her up in some of the most adorable and creative costumes we’ve ever seen.

(More here)

News: TLC Producer Wants List Of 100 Fucked-Up Families On Desk By End Of Day

Are there any left that TLC hasn't found? From The Onion.
TLC Producer Wants List Of 100 Fucked-Up Families On Desk By End Of Day

SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying that he didn’t “give two shits” if they had to knock on the door of every trailer and halfway house in the country, TLC producer and programming director Mark Livingston reportedly told his staffers Friday that he expects to see a list of at least 100 fucked-up families on his desk by the end of the workday.

“We’re up shit creek right now, so I need each one of you assholes rooting through every gutter in the goddamn Ozarks to find me a household of inbreds, addicts, or fat-as-fuck morons that we can put in primetime,” a visibly aggravated Livingston said to his staff following the cancellation of the network’s popular Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, stressing that the new families had better be “borderline brain-dead” and “messed up as all fuck.”

“If they have 20 dipshit kids, that’s great. If they only have one greasy dimwit kid who can barely string a sentence together, that’ll work too. Hell, you get me some snarl-toothed family of backwoods idiots who all call their dad Papa Pig or some shit like that, and I’ll sign them immediately. Just find me some family of sewer people I can throw in front of the goddamn camera, got it?”

At press time, Livingston was angrily telling his staffers that they could all find a new job wiping asses at the Disney Channel if they brought him one more suggestion for a morbidly obese teen mother.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Fun With Marquee Signs Of The Day

Cleverness from minimum-wagers. My favorite is the Mother's Day sign. Thanks for the link, Kyle T.


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