Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Faces Behind Disney's Greatest Villains (Of The Day)

From my friends over at The FW.


Then: By 1989 when The Little Mermaid premiered, Carroll was already 41 years into her screen acting and voicework career. A gifted comedienne, she moved from nightclub acts to Broadway, film, and television.

Now: Nearly 86 years old, Carroll is still going strong with a recent cameo in Bridesmaids and a role in the upcoming indie comedy BFFs.



Then: After breaking into movies in 1982 in John Carpenter's The Thing, David has appeared in numerous films including Platoon, Amageddon, and There's Something About Mary.

Now: A popular character actor, David has more than 200 credits to his name, including narration for Ken Burns' The War and the voice of Sgt. Foley in the popular video game Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.



Then: An established Broadway performer, Audley made her breakthrough in film in Disney's Cinderella in 1950, playing the wicked stepmother Lady Tremaine.

Now: Despite playing Disney villains, Audley appeared in numerous TV comedies including Mr. Ed, Green Acres, and My Three Sons. Audley died in 1991, and has not appeared in anything since.


Then: Best known as Major Charles Winchester in TV's M*A*S*H, Stiers' first Disney role was as Cogsworth the uptight clock in Beauty and the Beast.

Now: Since Pocahontas, Stiers has gone on to voice characters in Disney animated movies such as Lilo & Stitch and The Hunchback of Notre Dame.



Then: An acclaimed actor of stage and screen in the U.S. and in his native U.K., Irons had already won an Oscar (as Klaus Von Bulow in Reversal Of Fortune) and a Tony (The Real Thing) when he took the 1994 role as mean old Uncle Scar.

Now: Irons followed one villainous brother role with another, moving from Scar to Simon Gruber, the revenge-seeking brother of Die Hard villain Hans Gruber, in Die Hard With a Vengeance. In 2013, Irons will star in his third season of the historical drama, The Borgias.

(More here)

Sneeze Attack Of The Day

Bears can't buy Allegra. Just sayin'...

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: You Farted In The Dairy Section

Thanks for the link, Jody Love.

CL > madison > all personals > missed connections

Posted: 2013-01-26, 1:51PM CST

You farted in the dairy section - m4w

I needed some milk. You were there. And you were cute.

I noticed you as I neared the shelves. How could I not? Petite, pretty, poised... other good things that start with p... there was a lot to like. You saw me approaching and smiled (p)olitely. I smiled back. I thought there might be a connection, but I wasn't sure where to go with it.

Then it hit me.

At first I thought some eggs had gone bad. My timid "hello" was cut short by gag reflex. My nostrils burned. Interest gave way to survival as I grabbed a half gallon and hastily fled the corner. A shame, I thought, with watery eyes.

Five minutes later, in clearer skies and with clearer head, I realized I'd grabbed 1% instead of the 2% I'd wanted. Not enough percents. I would have to go back.

So go back I did. I winced as I again neared the shelf, but this time no insidious aroma assaulted my senses. I leaned apprehensively toward the eggs and sniffed. Nothing. Everything as it should be.

Only then did the unthinkable occur to me: that cute little butt had birthed a monster, cloaked in a veil of brimstone incense. I was astonished... and, in spite of myself, impressed. You had floated an air biscuit of a stupendous caliber, the kind spoken of in hushed tones over flagons of mead in firelit taverns of yore.

Had those men of men been witness to such flatulence - from such a fair specimen of womanhood, no less - surely new legends would have circulated that day. Or at least new air.

I understand now why your hair is so curly. Should you want companionship when you shop for new undergarments - surely the ones you wore that day are now scorched and charred - I would be honored to accompany such a remarkable creature.

You were magnificent.

Trolling Parents Of The Day

We live for this kinda stuff. My daughter is at the age now where almost everything I do in public embarrasses her. If I even act like I'm going to dance or do the walrus imitation with chopsticks, she freaks out. Fish in a barrel, man. Fish in a barrel. 

From Buzzfeed and Rich Girl Red.

More here.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Animated GIF Of The Day

He'll be hungry again in an hour. From Jody Love.

Nostalgic Activities Today's Kids Will Never Enjoy

Blowing in Nintendo games, the horrible sound of a dial-up modem. Yeah, things sucked. But that's why they were awesome. And kids today will never know it. From Funny Or Die, by Dan Abramson.


Kids will never know the satisfaction of putting a cassette in your stereo and waiting for your favorite song to come on, fingers anxiously waiting on the record button. A message to today's children: mixes weren't always made by iTunes based on MATH. We had to work for these.


So you've got your mix tape and you invite your friends over. You announce "Check out this new Naughty By Nature song I recorded from Hot 97," only to press play and hear the worst possible noise. No, I'm not talking about the verse that Vinny raps (that's some Naughty By Nature humor for you). The sound your stereo makes when it eats your tape. The only way to fix it? A pen and tons of patience.


There was once a day where we did not have an "info" button on our remote controls. Instead, we watched the beginning and tried to guess what movie it was. And when we finally realized it was not Major League 2, we would consult our TV Guides. And if we couldn't find it, we would FREAK THE FUCK OUT and blame our siblings for losing it. Yeah, shit was hard back then. And it made us stronger.


Speaking of pay phones...yikes. I don't miss these at all. Kids are lucky they no longer have to rely on owning quarters to make urgent phone calls. Though, they do miss out on freaking out squares by dialing a special number and hanging up twice. Yes, that's how you made pay phones ring on their own. Now you know.


Has there ever been official proof that this even worked? We can all agree that we all looked like idiots treating Excite Bike like a harmonica, right? No big deal. What I wouldn't give to still be huffing that Contra cartridge. Then again, I certainly do not miss that friend who would use his lips while blowing on the game. When he came over, he'd be all "I'll fix this" anytime the game froze, only to mouth-rape Mega Man with every slobbery blow.


To be honest with you, I'd be surprised if kids even knew how to hold pencils. Everything's on their texting machines and porn boxes these days. But years ago, when we wanted to look professional, we wrote in cursive. And when we forgot how to write a lower case "f," we just scribbled a print "f" and connected it to the next letter, praying nobody noticed. It was a way of life.

(See the rest at Funny Or Die)

I can add about 100 to this:

  • Getting up to change the TV channel
  • Crank-calling people without worrying about getting busted
  • Flipping an LP or cassette to hear Side Two
  • Using a plastic insert to play a 45 on your record player
  • Making appointments to fight after school without fear of getting expelled
  • Having to worry about getting paddled if you got sent to the principal
  • Dodgeball
  • Opening food or medicine without cutting through three layers of security plastic
  • Using white-out
  • Making carbon copies and getting the carbon all over your hands
  • Bottled water = tap water poured into your empty Coke bottle (and it was free)
  • Getting a dime back for every soda bottle you returned to the store
  • 31 flavors of ice cream in one place? That's insane!
  • Playing with unsafe toys that were a lot more fun (lawn darts, pellet guns, etc.)
  • Cars that were made of metal, not plastic
  • Cars that exploded if someone rear-ended you
  • A videogame arcade in every mall
  • A cheese and sausage shop(pe?) in almost every mall. Free samples!
  • Movies that stayed in theaters longer than a week
  • Real butter on your popcorn

What else?

Before you answer, do me a favor and GET OFF MY LAWN!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Answers to Rhetorical Questions That Are Movie Titles (Of The Day)

Inspired by this post by Ethan Ryan on McSweeney's.

Judge Doom framed him.

He's a private investigator.

Yes, they shoot horses to put them out of their misery.

I heard they shot Mrs. Morgan to put her out of her misery.

He art in 1937 rural Mississippi during the Great Depression.

The same people who created them. And big oil.

Not much. It was more about survival than love.

Bob's not invited. He's nuts.

Only if you have a condom.

No, not yet. Stop asking.

Probably the stress of caring for his obese mother and developmentally slow brother.

Behind that mail truck, dude.

She grew up, became an alcoholic, and got served her pet bird for lunch.

The same people who are afraid of living life without delusions.

Whither I go, thou canst not follow me now, but thou shalt follow me afterwards.

Sydney Poitier?

I drank wine with the Italians, son.

Only if it's a slow song.

A sequel could happen.

Doing it doesn't affect your eyesight.

Because they are fools, of course.

Animated GIF Of The Day


Cool People Hanging Out Together Of The Day

Randomness and proof that it's easier to meet famous people when you are one. From this blog.

Brooks & Reiner

Wood & Murray

Jennings & Holly

Ali & Cooke

The Dalai Lama & Mr. Rogers

Dali & Harpo

Chaplin & Gandhi

Elton, Gaga, & Sting

Hackman & T

De Niro & Strummer

Kelly & Astaire

Lee, Davis, & Cushing

Lucy & Eleanor

McCartney & Buckley

Groucho & Cooper

Pacino & Walken

Sandburg & Monroe

Simone & Baldwin

Poehler & Grohl

Waits & Ramone


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