Thursday, June 16, 2011

20 Products To Traumatize Your Infant

From Todd and

Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.


The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers. They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be, "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"


This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer, appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.


Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).


Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play. Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."


Key points when using this product:

1) Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

2) When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.


Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three! Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any sexuality questions associated with putting these on your son.


From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.


Not only is this unspeakably cute, it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

(See the rest at

TV Clip Of The Day: Vamp

Don't ask. I never got it either. But we liked it. Hey, we only had three channels back then. Pickin's was slim, yo. It was this, Hee Haw or Maude, and Hee Haw and Maude frightened us.

For you youngun's, yes, that's really Cher. She looks a little different now.

Things I Don't Care So Much About Anymore

If you've read this blog or my posts on Guyspeak long enough, you know that I haven't quite come to terms yet with this whole getting older bullshit. In my mind I'm still a 20-year-old punk who can play a game of pickup football all afternoon, drink beer all night, then wake up the next morning none the worse for wear and be ready to do it all again--after I take that final I forgot I had and somehow make a B+.

Alas, them days is gone. Way gone. The last time I tried to play touch football (with adults) was back in 1993. I got a cleated kick to the eye on the very first play, and that was the end of that.

Luckily, there are some perks to getting older. One of my favorites is a distinct loss of interest in giving a shit about things that younger people think are important. I can't say that I have completely mastered the art of not caring about all these things, but I'm getting there.

- Being right.

- Being liked.

- Being understood.

- Life being fair. It isn't and never will be. I'll live. So will you.

- Being on time. (This one I fight but it's hard to get worked up about arriving eight minutes late to an appointment with a doctor who routinely makes me wait anywhere from 45-75 minutes.)

- Hiding my true feelings for fear of offending someone. I've never been good at this but I don't even try anymore. If you're a tool, I might not call you one to your face, but I won't pretend to like you.

- Being attractive. My wife still loves my bloated ass and that's good enough.

- Being good at everything. Or being good at many things at all.

- Being 100% politically correct. Sorry, I'll stop using the word midget when they pry it from my cold dead fingers.

- Doing the right thing every time. It's a nice goal, but we're all gonna make mistakes.

Your turn. What things do you find yourself caring less about as you get older?


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