Friday, July 29, 2011

Obnoxious "Unattended Children" Signs Of The Day

I'm no fan of unattended kids but damn, I hate stores with passive-aggressive signs like these, probably because they never have just one. "No smoking." "No food or drink allowed." "If you break it, you buy it." "In God we trust. All others pay cash." "Restrooms for customers ONLY." "Do NOT use your cell phone at the register." "No refunds without receipt!" blah blah blah. I want to go in with a sign that says, "I don't buy stuff from assholes with asshole signs all over their asshole stores."

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Vid Of The Day: World's Steepest Roller Coaster

I was fine until about 1:35.

2011 Bulwer-Lytton Bad Faction Award Winners (Of The Day)

The what awards? Bulwer-Lytton, honoring the worst opening lines to imaginary books. Named after obscure author Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the man who wrote, "It was a dark and stormy night." No, Snoopy didn't come up with that, Bulwer-Lytton did.


"Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories." (Sue Fondrie, Oshkosh, WI)


"As I stood among the ransacked ruin that had been my home, surveying the aftermath of the senseless horrors and atrocities that had been perpetrated on my family and everything I hold dear, I swore to myself that no matter where I had to go, no matter what I had to do or endure, I would find the man who did this . . . and when I did, when I did, oh, there would be words." (Overall runner-up, Rodney Reed, Ooltewah, TN)


"From the limbs of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages -- which are sometimes called boudin noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something made from dried blood in the first place -- but be that as it may, our tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting food." (Jack Barry, Shelby, NC)


"Wearily approaching the murder scene of Jeannie and Quentin Rose and needing to determine if this was the handiwork of the Scented Strangler--who had a twisted affinity for spraying his victims with his signature raspberry cologne--or that of a copycat, burnt-out insomniac detective Sonny Kirkland was sure of one thing: he’d have to stop and smell the Roses." (Mark Wisnewski, Flanders, NJ)


"Within the smoking ruins of Keister Castle, Princess Gwendolyn stared in horror at the limp form of the loyal Centaur who died defending her very honor; “You may force me to wed,” she cried at the leering and victorious Goblin King, “but you’ll never be half the man he was.” (Terri Daniel, Seattle, WA)


"As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had." (Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC)


"As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt blue." (Mike Pedersen, North Berwick, ME)


"Morgan ‘Bamboo’ Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the Princess Qwillia—lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her four eyes what Barnes called ‘bedroom eyes’—and marveled at how on her planet, Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called ‘Hi-Dee-Hoes’ but on Earth they were simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta." (Greg Homer, Placerville, CA)


"Detective Kodiak plucked a single hair from the bearskin rug and at once understood the grisly nature of the crime: it had been a ferocious act, a real honey, the sort of thing that could polarize a community, so he padded quietly out the back to avoid a cub reporter waiting in the den." (Joe Wyatt, Amarillo, TX)


"Deep into that particular wet Saturday night ugly blues screamed out from the old man's horn like a hooker being hauled down a flight of stairs, regular thick loud thumps punctuated by nasty and erratic sharp barks." (John Benson, 
Carthage, MO)

"Sensing somehow a scudding lay in the offing, Skipper Bob tallied his tasks: reef the mains'l, mizzen, and jib, strike and brail the fores'l, mizzen stays'l and baggywrinkles, bowse the halyards, mainsheets, jacklines and vangs, turtle and belay fast the small cock, flemish the taffrail warps, batten the booby hatch, lay by his sou'wester, and find the bailing bucket." (Mike Mayfield, Austin, TX)

"She held my hand as if she were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.” (James Hearn, Canterbury, Kent, U.K.)

"Maggie said they were birthmarks and they very well could be, but the three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above her right eyebrow looked like an ellipsis to some, but to others who did not know what an ellipsis was, they looked like three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above Maggie's right eyebrow." (Betty Jean Murray, Richland, TX)

"Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks." (Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI)

See more here.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

News Of The Day: Cranky Old Woman Arrested for Truck Nutz

From The Smoking Gun.

Testicle-Adorned Truck Leads South Carolina Woman To Trial

A South Carolina woman will face a jury trial over a $445 ticket written to her after a police chief deemed the red truck testicles hanging off her vehicle violated a state obscenity law.

Virginia Tice, 65, was issued the ticket earlier this month after her truck was pulled over by Bonneau Police Department Chief Franco Fuda who saw the popular adornment known as “Truck Nutz” or “Bulls Balls” hanging from her 2004 Dodge.

Her violation was recorded by the chief as “Obscene Bumber Sticker” which falls under a state law involving displays that community standards deem “patently offensive” and include “sexual acts, excretory functions, or parts of the human body."

According to a court clerk a trial will be scheduled for late August. It will allow Tice’s peers to determine what the community standard is when it comes to dangling novelty balls off the back of one’s truck.

Craigslist Ads Of The Day: Jogging Partner/Jedi Needed

Two quickies for your reading pleasure.

best of craigslist > des moines >

Jogging Partner

Date: 2011-05-26, 9:09PM CDT

I am looking for a person of athletic build to help me get in shape.

I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this: I ingest Rohypnol [you supply the roofies as I don't know where to purchase them] and you strap my body to yours [limbs to limbs using velcro] and take me along on a jog.

Three nights a week.

If you're capable and interested, E-mail me so that we can discuss the fee.

best of craigslist > western mass >

Jedi Needed To Induce Labor

Date: 2011-06-15, 5:35PM EDT

I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go.

I was hoping that tonight's full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus.

I'm looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better.

If you are a master in the way's of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you and my womb.

Bizarre PSA Of The Day: Smoking Kills R2D2

Nah, not buying it. R2 would never pick up a cig. Darth Vader, on the other hand...

C-3PO: Oh no! Are you smoking, Lord Vader? Smoking does dreadful things to your lungs... (Vader puts cig between lips to hold, activates lightsaber) ...and is very dangerous for your-- (ZWOWNSWSHHH!!! CLANGCRASH!....... CLINKTINKTINK!.................CLANG)


Vader takes a long drag on his cig.

Great Showdowns Of The Day

Original art by Scott C. from his website, The Great Showdowns. He writes:

Since the beginning of time, there has been struggle. The epic clash of being against being. Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. Triceratops. Giant Squid vs. the Sperm Whale. The Circle vs. the Square. This is a chronicling of some of the greatest confrontations in FILM HISTORY. The greatest moments of melee. These are the GREAT SHOWDOWNS.

Link from Wendy.

“You fooled ‘em, Chief. You fooled ‘em all!”

“I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.”

“We accept you, one of us! Gooble Gobble!”

“Well, good! I’m sick of runnin’ from these wimps!”

“In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people… the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing…”

“You make it with some of these chicks, they think you gotta dance with them.”

"You’re lying. It didn’t die. You took it. You’re lying. You witches! You’re lying! You’re lying! You’re lying! You’re LYING!”

“No matter what I say, it draws controversy. It’s sort of like the abortion issue.”

"Learnin about Cuba, havin some food."

"They're all gonna laugh at you!"

"I made a new friend today."

"I'm your huckleberry."

"Two dollars."

(See more at The Great Showdowns.)

80s Turd Of The Day: Loose

I tortured my child and her friend with this song in the car yesterday. Then at the stop light I danced in my seat like an aging drug-addled rocker until people in other cars looked at us. Ah, 80s channel -- my sweet revenge for hours of (S)Hits 1.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Absent Webmaster Of The Day: Me

I'm out today--play day with the kid. Will update this afternoon/ evening. Please come back later. Thanks.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Bizarre NYC Street Posters Of The Day (NSFW)

From Kenneth Goldsmith:

This collection of street posters, mad scribblings, political screeds, religious rants, and paranoid raves was collected on the streets of New York City from 1985 to the present.

Some time ago, it occurred to me that the streets are as full of art as, say, thrift shops are full of great paintings. So, inspired by Jim Shaw's Thrift Shop Paintings, Adolf W├Âlfli's visionary scrawls, and outsider music, I began carrying a portable razor with me whilst out on casual strolls.

What began as a hobby has remained an obsession.

See more HERE at UbuWeb.

Not sure hula is the ideal thing for people in the hospital.


Don't quit your day job, honey.

I love football cat

Do I get to pick which one?

Ling-Ling very good dog.

"Dear Mr. Dick, thank you for your interest..."

No asbestos here.

I've been looking for some good used nail clippers.

Pit bol

The 'Fro absolves you.

The bandages on his fingers prove that he's a brute.

See more HERE at UbuWeb.


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