Monday, January 31, 2011
From Amy, Hairwrecker Lindsey & DRSJF.
Did you happen to notice that lawn mower guy and sky-lift guy are the same person? A guy named Steve. A guy who isn't real. That's right, all the Steve videos are the handiwork of comedian Marc Ryan. Still damn funny, though.
Because of a reporter’s error, Bill Husted’s column on Page 3B on Sunday contained an item about a tombstone for “Elway the Drug Sniffing Dog.” The tombstone was digitally fabricated for a blog and does not exist.
News Tribune (Washington State):
A photo caption on Tuesday’s Page A8 said a student was performing the Heimlich maneuver on a dummy. The student was actually playing around and pretending to choke the dummy.
The Independent (U.K.):
Further to the reference in the paper on 14 June to Rebekah Wade allegedly hitting her first husband, Ross Kemp, after a “drinking bout” with David Blunkett, Mr. Blunkett has been in touch to correct the record: “the alleged ‘drinking bout’ was a cup of tea at 5.30 in the evening (with witnesses including Rupert Murdoch)… There was no ‘drinking bout’, I’ve never been involved in such a ‘drinking bout’ – with or without Rebekah Wade”.
Los Angeles Times:
Bear sighting: An item in the National Briefing in Sunday’s Section A said a bear wandered into a grocery story in Hayward, Wis., on Friday and headed for the beer cooler. It was Thursday.
A reply to a question in Notes & Queries yesterday recommended purchasing lion and tiger urine from Chester Zoo to stop neighbourhood cats from urinating in a vegetable patch. Chester Zoo would like to forestall requests for its big cats’ urine: it asks us to make clear that it does not in fact sell either tiger or lion urine. Many years ago the zoo sold elephant dung, but it no longer does.
The Guardian (U.K.):
This article was amended on Tuesday 20 January 2009. In our entry on Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon Days, we referred to a Prairie Ho Companion; we meant a Prairie Home Companion. This has been corrected.
New York Times:
An article on Aug. 2 about older alumni who have been helped by university career counselors referred imprecisely to comments by a 1990 graduate of Lehigh University who lost his job in February when his company was downsized. As the article correctly noted, he is David Monson, not Munson, and he was speaking generally — not about himself — when he said that newly unemployed people sometimes mope around the house in sweatpants.
The Guardian (U.K.):
A comment piece about the lives of artistic greats mentioned Wagner’s reminder to his favourite Vienna chambermaid to wear purple knickers next time they met. A Wagner expert points out that the pants in question were pink.
A headline in the Toronto Sun yesterday was both inaccurate and misleading. In fact, as the story reported, the mother of a boy involved in a high school fight in Keswick said her son “said something stupid.” She did not say nor imply he was stupid. The Sun regrets the error.
The Sun (U.K.):
SURREY Police have not blamed gipsies for an attack on their force helicopter, no staff in their operations rooms were threatened by gipsies and no gipsy site was being targeted for a raid as we reported on May 14. We apologise for the mistakes and are happy to set the record straight.
The Sun (U.K.):
IN my column on August 22 I suggested that Sharon Osbourne was an unemployed, drugaddled, unfit mum with a litter of feral kids. This was not intended to be taken literally. I fully accept she is none of these things and sincerely apologise to Sharon and her family for my unacceptable comments. Sorry Sharon…
Daily Mirror (U.K.):
ON 17 July 2008 in our front page article “Ron the Lash” we falsely reported that whilst recovering from an operation to his ankle Cristiano Ronaldo had “gone on a bender” at a Hollywood nightclub where he splashed out pounds 10,000 on champagne and vodka and threw his crutches to the ground and tried to dance on his uninjured foot. We now accept that Cristiano did not “go on a bender”, did not drink any alcohol that evening, did not spend pounds 10,000 on alcohol, nor throw his crutches to the floor or try to dance.
From The Smoking Gun.
Phony Facebook Page Vexes Man Who Dated Teen
JANUARY 31--A South Carolina man who recently broke up with his 17-year-old girlfriend contacted cops this weekend to file a complaint alleging that the girl’s father had created a phony Facebook page that described him as gay and included a profile photo of three shirtless men kissing.
Lance Mobley, 21, walked into the Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office Saturday morning “in reference to false things being published about him on Facebook,” according to a January 29 sheriff’s report. Mobley is pictured at right.
Mobley charged that Ricky Culbreth, his ex-girlfriend’s father, had created the fictitious Facebook account after he “became mad at him because he broke up with his daughter.”
Police noted that the phony Facebook page “states that Mr. Mobley is interested in having sex with men as well as children and that he is a homosexual,” and that the page includes Mobley’s phone number.
The phony Facebook page--which includes an actual photo of Mobley--lists his occupation as “Street Walker” and claims that “i wear panties sometime its a thong if you are a girl then dont bother me im only interesting in guys only.”
The page, which appears to have been created in the past week, includes the names of five friends, including Culbreth’s teenage daughter.
In an interview today, Culbreth, 39, said that he was aware of the phony Facebook page, but denied creating it. He acknowledged being angry at Mobley because he did not break up with his daughter face-to-face (the couple had dated all of about a month, according to Culbreth).
Friday, January 28, 2011
Cops: Drunk grandpa passes out along U.S. 1, stranding baby in stroller
A West Palm Beach man taking his grandson for a stroll Monday was so drunk that he passed out on the pavement along U.S. 1 in Marathon -- with the toddler in the stroller right next to the highway, authorities say.
When deputies arrived after two people called in to report the unattended stroller just after noon, they found Raymond Dascott, 56, lying next to the stroller.
Inside the stroller with the 18-month-old child, says Deputy Becky Herrin from the Monroe County Sheriff's Office: Two cold Keystone Ice beers, which Dascott apparently had just bought from the Tom Thumb store at U.S. 1 and 26th Street.
Dascott was found at U.S. 1 and 25th, just one street up from where he was staying, on 24th Street. When roused, he reportedly told Deputy Bradford Colen he was "resting."
The child's grandmother, who knew Dascott had the boy but didn't know he was drunk, was found and showed up to claim the baby. Herrin didn't have details about the child's parents, but did say the boy's mother "is who called grandma to come to the rescue."
Dascott, whom jail records say is a carpenter, was charged with felony child neglect. He remained in the Monroe County Detention Center on Tuesday with no bond.
PAUL SHAFFER as GEORGE COSTANZA
According to Paul Shaffer’s memoir, We’ll Be Here for the Rest of Our Lives, Jerry Seinfeld personally left a message stating that the role of George Costanza on his upcoming pilot was Shaffer’s if he wanted it. But Shaffer was preoccupied with his other work and said he never got around to returning Seinfeld’s call.
DANA DELANY as CARRIE BRADSHAW
Sex and the City creator Darren Star first offered the role of Carrie Bradshaw to his friend, Dana Delany. Delany had previously won two Emmy Awards for her portrayal of the compassionate nurse Colleen McMurphy on China Beach, but she was still smarting from the negative reviews she’d gotten for playing a dominatrix in the 1994 film Exit to Eden. She told Star that the public would never forgive her if she talked about sex onscreen again, so the part went to Sarah Jessica Parker.
JAYNE MANSFIELD as GINGER GRANT
Blonde bombshell (and mother of Law & Order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay) nixed the role of sexy Ginger Grant on Gilligan’s Island, stating “I am a movie star.”
PAUL GIAMATTI as MICHAEL SCOTT
As Bill Carter reported in the New York Times back in 2006, NBC executives had a strong favorite for the role of Michael Scott on the American adaptation of The Office—Paul Giamatti. He wasn’t interested, and the network eventually offered the role to Steve Carell.
STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY as AL
Tim Allen’s Home Improvement sidekick was originally Glen, not Al. When the series was first being cast, character actor Stephen Tobolowsky was hired to co-host the fictitious Tool Time with Tim, but a previous commitment prevented him from appearing in the pilot episode. Richard Karn, a struggling actor, happened to meet Home Improvement’s casting director while attending traffic school and finagled an audition. Karn was invited to be Tobolowsky’s “placeholder” in the pilot, and then was asked to film a second episode when the series was picked up and Stephen was still off working on a different project.
MICHAEL RICHARDS as ADRIAN MONK
As Seinfeld was winding down its nine year run in 1998, the major networks were salivating to sign the series’ stars to new projects. ABC pictured Michael Richards as a bumbling Inspector Clouseau-type detective and pitched a premise about a cop suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Richards, however, felt that the character of Adrian Monk didn’t offer enough comedic possibilities, so he passed. With Richards’ veto, ABC lost interest in the show and sold the rights to cable’s USA Network. Monk went on to become USA’s highest-rated show and Tony Shalhoub won three Emmy Awards.
See the rest at Mental Floss.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Here's who Maxim thinks needs to hang it up, and I can't disagree with them on any of their picks. I could add some, too.
Says they: "Their complete disinterest in making movies couldn't be more obvious if they just filmed themselves flipping off the camera for two hours. If it's so painful—just quit already."
This guy used to be magnetic enough to steal scenes from a seven-foot Wookiee. For the Star Wars sequel, they had to go DEFCON (Colt) 45 and bring in Billy Dee Williams in order to present someone who could compete on the charisma meter. And Indiana Jones? The man. Plain and simple. But apparently, being cool is too much to handle once you hit 60, so Ford has devolved into a humorless lump of anti-personality. Hey, if you want to live out your golden years in Montanan seclusion, no one's stopping you, pal.
The perfect two-fer. Not only don't either of them give a shit about cultivating a respectable career anymore, but each cynical, Meet the Parents in 88 Minutes step they take further tarnishes anything cool they once did. Why don't you both righteously mercy-kill your careers now, and spare us your humiliating decent into Marlon Brando-ism?
Speaking of tarnishing… remember when Eddie Murphy was a dangerous loose cannon who tore through movies like a wise-cracking tornado? Yeah, we're talking about the same dude from Norbit. Murphy thinks that becoming "family friendly" has saved his career, when in fact it's killing him with each painful camera mug. Kids don't think he's funny and adults can only think of a time when he did stand-up films like Delirious that shocked us and, more importantly, cracked us up. Give it up, man. Oh, and fuck your couch.
The only non-actor on the list, but you understand. We haven't seen someone milk a dead cash cow for like this since Larry Birkhead. Not only has Lucas ruined the one thing that made him a legend to begin with, he constantly whines about putting Star Wars aside and going back to making small arthouse films. NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU, GEORGE. Do it. Walk away. But, honestly, we'd rather you just retire completely, so that you and your green-screen laziness can never infect another franchise again.
The Departed should have been a home run for Jack—playing a badass crime boss in a Scorsese film? But while Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio rose to the occasion, Jack decided to play Frank Costello as, well, The Joker. Cackling, waving a rubber dick around—c'mon, Jack. We love you, but you've actually become a caricature of a cartoon character you once played. We want cool, intimidating Jack, we don't want grandpa-off-his-meds Jack.
(List continues at Maxim.)
Who would you add to this list (male or female)?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"I fart McDonalds" is what I'm getting from that.
Not really. You forgot in apostrophe in Fuckin'.
That's just creepy.
Now that's funny. She wants you to ride her.
"When you wish upon a starfish..."
"How dare you call me a 'whore'!"
How about my foot instead?
I refuse to make a poop joke here.
Does that mean she has a mustache? She's offering rides.
If only it were that easy to get rid of fat.
Your mother says throw those nasty underwear in the trash, dude.
Her ass loves the meat.
You might be a redneck if...
List from Wikipedia.
- Caddyshack, the novelization
- Faster than the Speed of Love by Brian Griffin
- Horton Hears Domestic Violence In The Next Apartment And Doesn't Call 911
- T and Me by George Peppard
- For the Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T by Ving Rhames
- Nobody Poops But You, unsuccessful toilet training book, parody of Everyone Poops
- Wish It Want It Do It by Brian Griffin
- You're a Naughty Child, and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You, Catholic toilet training book
- Peter Griffin wrote a series of erotic novels dubbed "Peterotica":
- Angela's Asses
- Catcher in the Eye
- Shaved New World
- Harry Potter and the Half-Black Chick
- What I Would Do Sexually to Hillary Clinton
- The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish
- My God, by theologian Monsignor Edward Gay
- Hello Sailor, by humanist lecturer Dr. Tom Jack
- The Problems of Kierkegaard, by Dr. Tom Jack
- The Boy's Book of Boys ("will not suit all tastes")
- The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies, by Ron Hackenthorpe, Derek Hackenthorpe, Jeff "The Nozz" Hackenthorpe and Luigi V. Hackenthorpe (in four handsomely bound volumes)
- The Oxfod [sic] Simplified Dictionary
- The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beccles, Volume Eight presumably by Capt. Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet
- Biggles Combs his Hair, author unknown
- David Coperfield [sic] by Edmund Wells
- Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity-Surveying, author unknown
- The Gospel According to Charlie Drake, presumably by Charlie Drake
- Grate Expectations by Edmund Wells
- A Sale of Two Titties by Edmund Wells
- A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight by "an Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment"
- Knickerless Nickleby by Edmund Wells
- Khristmas Karol by Edmund Wells
- Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds, expurgated version (the one without the gannet)
- Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dikkens, the well-known Dutch author
- Thirty Days In the Samarkand Desert with the Duchess of Kent by A.E.J. Elliott, O.B.E.
- Astonishing Tales of the Sea
- The Big Game by Donald O'Brien
- A Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables by Cosmo Kramer
- Fair Game by Alton Benes
- Venetian Blinds by Art Vandalay
- Angelica Button and The Deadly Denouement
- Angelica Button and The Dragon King's Trundle Bed
- Angelica Button and the Teacup of Terror
- Astonishing Prices Comic Book Price Guide
- Baby's First Pop-Up Book
- Backdoors to Citizenship, nonfiction
- The Big Book of British Smiles, photo book
- Bordello Repair Vol. I
- Bork on Sex
- A Child's Garden of Cons by Grampa Simpson, under the pseudonym Grifty McGrift
- The Clue in the Clock, controversial Nancy Drew book
- Curious George and the Ebola Virus, a children's book
- Forgotten Lore
- Happiness Is a Naked Steve Allen
- The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson
- The Harpooned Heart 2: Thunder Down Under by Marge Simpson
- Homer, I Hardly Knew Me by Homer Simpson (autobiography)
- How to Cook for Forty Humans, cookbook
- How to Get Rich Writing Cartoons by John Swartzwelder
- How to Loot Brazil
- How to Make Love to Steve Allen
- How to Seduce Your Lousy, Lazy Husband
- How to Talk to a Drunk Father
- How to Tunnel Out Of Prison
- I Am Also Scotty by Leonard Nimoy (a fictitious follow-up to his two real books I Am Not Spock and I Am Spock)
- Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie: The Novel by Norman Mailer
- Journey to the Center of Steve Allen
- The Joy of Cooking Steve Allen
- The Joy of Cooking Milhouse
- Love in the Time of Scurvy
- Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American, audio book, read by Paul Harvey
- The Murderer Did It by Lenny Leonard
- Owning Your Okayness, self-help, by Brad Goodman
- Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future by Al Gore
- Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow by Al Gore
- Someone's In The Kitchen With Jesus by Rev. Timothy Lovejoy
- The 10 Dos and 500 Don'ts of Knife Safety
- The Bible for Wise-Asses
- The Truth About Whacking Day by Bob Woodward
- Tome by Gore Vidal
- Ueberroth, a biography
- Unidentified Flying Outrage!
- Weight Loss Through Laborious Sex
- Who Wants to Be a Brazillionaire?
- Will There Ever Be A Rainbow by Montgomery Burns, autobiography
- Your Gimmicky Restaurant by Bennigan and Fuddrucker