Friday, January 29, 2010

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

What better way to kick off your weekend than with some vintage Lionel? They just don't make 'em like this anymore. Thank god. (Vid from Suzanne.)

And on a completely unrelated note, everyone please wish Siress Yorkie a happy birthday. She's also having a baby on Monday, so if you wanna take her out to celebrate, you'd best hurry.


Gnome Deaths Of The Day

Little fuckers get what they deserve.

Pics from Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head


Didn't Mom tell you not to run with scissors?


A sprinkler a day helps keep gnomeys away


Here, Sneezy, these might help



Everything I tell Horst goes in one ear and out the other...


Do I have something in my eye?


Where's the men's room? I'm growing a tail!


I think he got the point, but just in case, let's run through it one more time


Oops, I just remembered, Doc didn't want corn


"Hey, don't pin this one on me," said Gunther.


Rats!


Ax not what your gnome can do for you...


Talk about a brush with death


Fritz always fancied himself a hole-y man


Cleaver? I barely know her!


Blind Gossip Item Of The Day

Got this off Popbitch, a celeb gossip e-rag I receive. Any guesses? Not that any of us really gives two shits, but hey, it's Friday, and it's not like you're working.



News Of The Day: Another Apple Product Announcement

From The Borowitz Report.



January 29, 2010

New Device Absorbs Heavy Flow of Data, Says Jobs


CUPERTINO, CA - In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its latest game-changer to the tech marketplace, a text-sharing device called the CoTex.

"There are a lot of texting devices out there that can absorb data," said Apple founder Steve Jobs. "But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex."

Mr. Jobs said that when used in conjunction with Apple's just-released mobile device, the AllWays StayFree, "the CoTex has what it takes to handle a heavy flow of information."

When asked about the flurry of new products that Apple has released at the end of January, Mr. Jobs mused, "I guess it's that time of the month."


Lost 70s Song Of The Day: Rockin'

Totally forgot about this one until I heard it on the radio the other day and knew all the lyrics without even thinking. They were squirreled away in some deep recess of my brain, I guess... the Useless Information Lobe, which is adjacent to the Repository Of Memories Of Past Sexual Encounters And Nudie Photos I've Seen.


Really Bad Strip Club Commercial Of The Day.

The shot of the guy throwing the $1 bills? That was the budget for this spot. I love the idea of buffets at strip clubs. Salad bar, potato bar, titty bar.

From CollegeHumor.com.



Bart Simpson's Crank Calls Of The Day


A complete list of Bart's crank calls to Moe's: the fake names and Moe's replies. From The Simpsons Archive.

BART: Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
MOE: Wait a minute... Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

BART: Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
MOE: Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

BART: Uh, is I.P. Freely here?
MOE: Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!

BART: Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
MOE: Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap. It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!

BART: Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz?
MOE: Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

BART: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
MOE: Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!

MOE: Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. Oh, wait a minute...

BART: Uh, Hugh Jass?
MOE:Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

BART: Call for Bea O'Problem.
MOE: Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
BARNEY: "You sure do!"
MOE: Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

BART: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss?
MOE: Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
BARNEY: "Maybe your standards are too high!"
MOE: You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

BART: Ivana Tinkle?
MOE: Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!

At the school, as Moe substitutes for Mrs. Krabappel during the teachers' strike
MOE: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present." Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
MOE: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
MOE: All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
MOE: Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers



Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
BART: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
HOMER: (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
BART: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
HOMER: I don't get it
BART: Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
HOMER: What's the gag?
BART: Oh, forget it...

Bart sends a telegraph message to Moe's
MOE: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
MOE: Oh, do, that little, ooh... I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!

Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed
JACK BAUER: Chloe, I need those schematics now!
BART: Who is this?
JACK: I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
BART: Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie")
JACK: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
CHLOE: Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
JACK: Really?
CHLOE: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
JACK: Dammit!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone

Bart calls a bar named just "Bar" somewhere in Hawaii
BARTENDER: Aloha!
BART: Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name, Normousbutt.
BARTENDER: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
Patrons laugh

Bart calls "Crocodile Drunkee's" in Sydney
BARTENDER: I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
PATRON: Better put it down then, mate!
Patrons laugh

Bart calls "Inga-bar Beerman's" in Stockholm
BARTENDER: Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olav? Attention, everyone; Olav Myfriendsaregay!
Patrons laugh smugly
BARTENDER: Wait a minute...if I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Primer Of The Day: How To Suck At Facebook

A funny from The Oatmeal.





See the rest at The Oatmeal.

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Seeking Eunuch (NSFW)

And I thought I'd heard them all. I'll have to look up the Cincinnati Bow Tie.

And no, all you would-be comedians, I did not reply. My junk is intact and staying that way, thanks.



best of craigslist > madison >



Seeking Eunuch


Date: 2009-11-29, 12:52PM CST


I have been in the pornographic films industry for several years and I'm so sick and tired of dicks I can hardly stand it! If you have no genitals or are willing to have them removed then you may be the man for me.

I do not like and absolutely refuse to take part in any of the following:
blowjobs
rimjobs
footjobs
buttjobs
vaginajobs
dirty sanchez
blumpkins
strawberry shortcake
flaming dragon
Houdini
donkey punch
cincinati bowtie
gasmask
hot lunch
golden showers
cleaveland steamer
the Paul Rubins
gramma sophie's curtains
the Pittsburg landfill
I'm a mac and I'm a pc
how to lose a guy in ten gays
or any other sexual act of any kind.

If this sounds like your idea of a good time then get in touch.

serious inquiries only. No weirdos please.



PostingID: 1486755048


Concert Lineup Of The Day

My pal TheMovieGuru is on a Disney World e-mail list and just forwarded me this slate of concerts the Mouse is foisting on gullible morons all too eager to part with their hard-earned money.

Good god almighty, check out this shitfest. I thought half these people were dead. This is worse even than the Classic Chastain Series we get every year here in the ATL. At least that usually has one or two shows you might consider seeing (even if you don't). Not this one. A big fat FAIL from top to bottom.

The only way it could suck more is if they added Celine Dion, Anne Murray and/or Kenny Loggins to the mix. Or Nickelsac.

"Subject to change," it says, so you'll know what to pray for.



The tentative list of performers for the Flower Power Concerts to be held during the upcoming Epcot International Flower & Garden Festival this March 3-May 16 has been updated again. The current list, subject to change, is:

March 5-7 - Jose Feliciano

March 12-14 - Paul Revere and the Raiders

March 19-21 - David Cassidy (and his legendary porksword)

March 26-28 - Starship Starring Mickey Thomas (starring? really?)

April 2-4 - Tony Orlando

April 9-11 - Herman's Hermits Starring Peter Noone (as in "No-one" wants to see him)

April 16-18 - The Nelsons (who's that? Those two blond twins?)

April 23-25 - Atlanta Rhythm Section Suction

April 30-May 2 - Fran Cosmo (former lead singer of Boston) (with apologies to Brad Delp)

May 7-9 - Davy Jones

May 14-16 - Chubby Checker & The Wildcats (didn't he die in New Orleans?)


7 Classic Movie Scenes You Didn't Know Were Improvised (NSFW)

From Spike TV. Link from Seth C.

Scriptwriting isn't easy. Some people spend months trying to perfect a specific scene, trying to write that perfect line that sticks in the mind of those who hear it. Then these guys come along and do it off the top of their heads. -- Marc Russel


THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

The Moment:



How it played out:

Anthony Hopkins' performance as the insane doctor Hannibal Lecter is by far his most notorious. He got an Oscar for the part in spite of only having 24 minutes of screen time -- just because he's that creepy. The above clip shows probably his most famous line from the film. While this line was in fact in the script, his hissing after was not, and surprised everyone on set particularly Jodie Foster. That disturbed look on her face there? That wasn't acting - she was genuinely creeped out.


TAXI DRIVER

The Moment:



How it played out:

Every great movie has one line or moment that will forever be associated with that film. In Taxi Driver, that line is "You talkin' to me?" It actually became referenced in pop culture so often it was declared by the American Film Institute to be the tenth greatest movie quote of all time. It wasn't even in the script. De Niro was just supposed to spend a moment looking menacingly at his reflection in the mirror. Instead he spent a full minute threatening it out loud.


THE SHINING

The Moment:



How it played out:

Like the above Taxi Driver quote, this line will always be linked to its movie in the cultural unconscious. Like the above quote, it's on the AFI's best quotes list. And like the above quote, it was totally improvised. All Jack Nicholson was supposed to do was break the door down, but he figured that wasn't quite pants-crappingly insane enough, so he screamed the then-famous intro to The Tonight Show. It didn't even make sense in context, since his character's name was Jack Torrance. But holy hell was it effective.


FULL METAL JACKET

The Moment:



How it played out:

R. Lee Ermey was actually a real drill sergeant originally hired to be a technical advisor. When he asked to be allowed to audition for the part, Stanley Kubrick said he didn't seem mean enough for it. Ermey responded by sending him a 15-minute video clip of him standing in front of a camera screaming an endless stream of insults at some Marines while being pelted with tennis balls. It's not entirely clear why he was being pelted with tennis balls, but it was probably to prove a point about how completely balls-to-the-wall insane he was. Almost the entire scene where the sergeant was introduced was made up on the spot. Partway through, Kubrick had to stop the filming to ask Ermey what the hell a "reach-around" was.

It's worth noting that that isn't the only part of the movie that was improvised. About half of all the lines the Drill Sergeant has were completely made up on the spot. Kubrick estimates that about 150 pages of the script were just off the top of Ermey's head.

(See the rest at Spike.com)


Vid Of The Day: iPad (NSFW)

You knew it was coming. What you didn't know is that this was made in 2006 by the visionaries at Mad TV. Apple needs to put them on retainer.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Classic Music Video Of The Day: Goodbye Stranger

I still love this album. Not a bad song on it. Ok, maybe one.


Vid Of The Day: Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Non-Stop For Six Years

I think these people are my neighbors.

From The Onion.


Guest Post Of The Day: Congratulations! We're Letting You Go

This is an article by my friend Sharon, who was recently laid off from her job. She wasn't given an exit interview, so she put her parting shots here instead. Like many of us, Sharon has a beef with people who mangle the English language, so I think you'll enjoy her snarkfest. I sure(ly?) did.




Congratulations! We're Letting You Go

She gave her company 15 years, and then they eliminated her position. But getting the boot isn’t all bad—especially when you’re given the chance to air your grievances.

Three weeks ago, I was given “the talk” by my boss. After 15 years, with the company, my position was being eliminated.

In all honesty, this was not a surprise. The company had been trimming the fat (me being the fat in this scenario) little by little. “This is no reflection on your performance… corporate downsizing… budgetary efficiency… blah blah blah… yada yada yada”.

The reason didn’t matter. Once the decision was made and announced, I could either sit there in a stupor wondering how the hell they could do this to me, or I could figure out what the hell I was going to do.

I still have a month to go. So I walk in every day trying not to look as if my tail is between my legs. I spend my days finishing up projects, updating my resume, and thinking of nasty things to say to my boss that I won’t actually say. However, I do have a few items I want to review with my coworkers before I depart. Things I’ve been meaning to discuss for some time. Here they are in order of most irritating to least:

1. It is FLESH out and idea, not FLUSH. To flesh out an idea is to give it life by elaborating on it as a painter does when he gives a flesh color to his subjects. To flush something out is to drive it out in the open and expose it. I am constantly being asked to flush out an idea. I usually respond with “I only flush out the bad ones” and leave it at that.


2. PENULTIMATE is a big word. Don’t use it unless you really know what you’re doing. This word means “second to last” and nothing else. It does NOT mean the very pinnacle of ultimate. It does not mean the position you strive to achieve unless there are only two contenders in the race. Look it up if you don’t believe me.


An executive at our company once announced “We will make ours the penultimate website!” Personally, I think he should aim higher.

3. “A lot” is two words. Always has been, always will be. No matter how many times you type it that way, it will never be one word. Not even alittle.

4. You do not “loose” the bid or “loose” money in overages. You LOSE them. It may look right in an email, but it’s wrong. Got it?

5. And to all my dear friends who at the end of the workday bid me “Drive careful!” I love you, and thank-you for the sentiment. (Should I tell them that it’s “carefully?”)

If I can leave any kind of legacy at all, let these lessons be it. Forget all of the revenue I helped to generate, the last-minute presentations I put together when the future of the company depended on it. Don’t take into consideration that I played an integral part in bringing in new clients. And forget 15 years of loyalty and hard work.

Seriously, all bitterness aside, I’m actually grateful it’s happened. I’m generally a person who sees the good in any situation. After this much time, however, extracting the good takes a little more skill. But good there is.

There are three especially good things I get out of this situation. Time with my daughter, time with my son, and time with my husband. Because of my longevity with the company, I will receive a nice severance pay. I can take a month or two off and see what it’s like to be home when the kids come home from school. I can have dinner on the table more often and not have to pick up Happy Meals on the way home. I will have time to bake cupcakes for the class. Time to sew costumes for the school play. Time to chaperone on field trips. And time to shoot baskets before dark.

I get the gift of time with my family, something I ached for with every utterly exhausted fiber of my being.

The ‘powers that be’ have no idea what a gift they’ve given me. Although, I’m not sure I want to tell them this. It would be nice if they were losing a little sleep from the guilt over letting me go. However in all likelihood, I’m guessing not so much. I suppose I’d settle for them adhering to the above listed guidelines.

-- Sharon Merritt


WTF? Books Of The Day

They're real. I just ordered the Beverly Hillbillies one.

See more here. Thanks, Blong, for the link.


Hopefully your phobia isn't pop-up books


You handle it too much?




"Dear Penthorse, I am a filly at a small Midwestern ranch. You'll never believe what happened to me last night..."


Haunted by the ghosts of penises past




"For woodworkers who want to be buried in their work"


Foul demons of flatulence, come OUT!! Leave this rectum at once!


They say he was gay. I don't see it.


Chapter 1: Be Catholic


I knew I liked Ben for a reason


I have a live pet I'd like to try this on






Jethro 1:24: "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and the cement pond... then Noah rounded up the critters two by two..."


First you must find tampons in the wild and shoot them


Commercial Of The Day: Malvern Star (NSFW-ish)

An Aussie advert with a nice spoof of Spencer Tunick (link NSFW). From Patrick T.

A wee bit of nudity makes this one NSFW-ish.



Diagram Of The Day: The 5-Second Rule

From Susan Isaacs.


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Vid Of The Day: 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes Of All Time (NSFW)

Longer than it needs to be, but nobody's perfect. The best one's at 2:52.


Animorphs Of The Day

Whoa. Photoshop wackiness from Kris and HumanDescent.com. I had an uncle who looked like an owl, but he's got nothing on these. More at the link.



Doggit


Squicken


Mouzard


Dogird


Penger


Taprus


Moof


Squeep


Rabbog


Dogen

Classic TV Show Opens Of The Day: Man, Man, Man

Three stinkers from my youth.

This one's too short. Left me wanting more.



Borrrrrinnnnggggg. But not as boring as the show itself. Oh well, at least it had Alan Fudge.




David's wound pretty tight, I've heard. I saw an interview with him a few years back -- don't remember where -- and they asked if the rumors of his giant schlong were true. He got pissed and walked off the set. Dumbass. I would've been all, "Hell, yeah! Wanna see it?" and unzipping my pants.



Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Sorry I Made You Crap Your Pants

From PeggyGator.


savannah craigslist > casual encounters

To the guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.]

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station – on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex



Rejection Of The Day: Nickelback (video)

I'm jealous. I've wanted to do that for years.

Vid from the Great Brynholio.


Moments That Would've Improved Movies (Of The Day)

Entries from a Photoshop contest on Cracked.com. The last one is my favorite.

More on Cracked.






















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