Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The 5 Stages Of Most Relationships

Well here's a happy look at love. Do you agree with these?


News Story Of The Day: Most Newspapers Sold To Kidnappers

Poor newspapers. I will miss them when they're gone. Well, some of them. Not the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, which is shockingly bad.

From The Onion.

Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date

October 14, 2009 | Issue 45•42


NEW YORK—According to a report published this week in American Journalism Review, 93 percent of all newspaper sales can now be attributed to kidnappers seeking to prove the day's date in filmed ransom demands.

"Although the vast majority of Americans now get their news from the Internet or television, a small but loyal criminal element still purchases newspapers at a steady rate," study author and Columbia journalism professor Linus Ridell said. "The sober authority of the printed word continues to hold value for those attempting to extort large sums of money from wealthy people who wish to see their loved ones alive again, and not chopped into pieces and left in steamer trunks on their doorsteps."

"These are sick, sick individuals," Ridell added. "God bless them for saving our industry."

A resourceful captor pieces together a ransom note after finishing the Style section. According to a source who wished to remain anonymous, there is an ineffable quality to the printed page that kidnappers cannot get from its digital counterpart. Though there are other methods for proving the date of grainy, home-made videos, the source said that newspapers add a certain gravitas to abductions that news websites do not.

"Holding a laptop next to a kid's head while blood is streaming from his nose just isn't the same," said the source, adding that printed materials remove any uncertainty about dates being altered with Photoshop or other digital manipulation software. "There's just something about the feel of newsprint and the smell of ink coupled with the mildew odor of a windowless basement that can't be replaced. Ultimately, I think newspapers make the whole thing more tangible and concrete for everyone involved."

"They're also great for wrapping up a severed ear and mailing it to the family when they don't come through with the cash fast enough," the source continued. "And I always enjoy reading For Better Or For Worse."

(Story continues here at The Onion.)

Vid Of The Day: Surrogate

She has a very strong birth canal.

31 Best Worst Halloween Costumes Of The Day (NSFW)

Halloween approaches, so it's time to start thinking about your costume. If you stumped for ideas, look no further. Submitted for your approval, 31 of the worst -- or best, depending on your point of view -- Halloween costumes you'll ever see.

Some are from Sarah, some are from Julie M. Some are old, some aren't. Listed in no particular order.

The Toilet (Kids)
For a humiliation your child can tell his shrink about when he's grown.

The Sheepfucker

Mammogram Machine
The boob is already in there, chief.

Not creepy at all. Did Tattoo have a picture of himself on his suit in the show? I think I would've remembered that.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Man-Eating Shark
Now that's funny.

Burger King Stormtrooper
One theme at a time, please.

Gary Glitter
Convicted pedophile. Ew.

Milk Carton
Because missing children are hi-larious.

Frank 'n' Beans
You really should see a doctor about those.

Penis Man
If you want to be a total dick.

Sperm Man
There's millions of these costumes floating around.

Mr. T
If anyone tells you that blackface went out with Al Jolson, say, "Quit your jibba jabba, fool!" Voted Costume Most Likely To Get Your Ass Kicked by readers of Halloween Today magazine.

I Scream, You Scream
So what's the problem here?

The Littlest Terrorist
No smoking!

The Turd/Milk Dud
Hard to tell the difference sometimes.

TIE Fighter (Star Wars)
Tomorrow he'll complain, "How come I never get laid on Halloween?"


Baby Man
Put the lotion in the basket.

Small Wonder
Remember when costumes were just a mask and a shirt or dress? Yeah, they sucked.

The Runnybutt
Genius! Just squeeze the hand-held bubble to make it ooze diarrhea. Yes, it's real. The costume, I mean, not the diarrhea. Hopefully.

Death Star
He's hoping for a couple of missile shots into his exhaust port.

Saggy Boobs
Only a dude would dress like this.

Dr. Killjoy (kids)
Great for school parties.

Birth 1
You'll be crowned the winner of the costume contest.

Birth 2
Group version.

Lil' Hitler (kids)
Because you dressed him as Stalin last year and no one got it. They thought he was Mike Ditka.

From The Black Lagoon.

This is not the worst vagina costume you'll ever see...

Vagina With Tampon
Nor is this the worst
vagina costume you'll ever see...

Vagina 3
This is.

Vid Of The Day: Emmys

Only one part of this is funny, and it's at the very end. Watch Kevin Kline.



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