Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The 25 Worst Movie Sequels Ever Made

I'm surprised they could limit it to just 25. Luckily I've only seen a handful of these -- Revenge Of The Nerds II, Star Wars - Phantom Menace, Jaws 4, Caddyshack II -- but all of them belong... except for Conan The Destroyer, which I liked, but I was in college and probably either drunk and/or hungover at the time.

Here are 15; see the full list at EW (link at bottom of post).


Revolutions is actually worse. But the second Matrix feels more egregious because of the sheer nosedive from the original. Sci-fi droolers had four whole years of pent-up expectations and time wasted dissecting the first chapter's metaphysical riddles. And after all that waiting, what did they get? A laughable techno rave in Zion with a lot of slo-mo sweat and revelers in hemp clothing. It's like a Lenny Kravitz video directed by Bob Guccione.

22. TEEN WOLF TOO (1987)

You could consider the first Teen Wolf a complex metaphor for the scariness of puberty, what with the sprouting fur and confusing changes. But the awkwardness of adolescence is nothing compared with what Jason Bateman runs up against as a lupine college freshman. Bateman — in what would become the long winter between "Silver Spoons" and "Arrested Development" — sleepwalks through the too-clueless-to-be-metaphorical sequel.


You had to be made of stone not to be smitten with Elle Woods the first time around. But when Ms. Witherspoon turns Capitol Hill into her own Barbie Dream House while trying to find her Chihuahua Bruiser's birth mother, she goes from cute to cloying. Plus, making things pink is not a substitute for jokes. Saddest of all is when poor Bob Newhart is forced to deliver the line ''Fo' shizzle, my ezzle.'' Jesus wept.


Francis Ford Coppola mortgaged the Corleone legacy in this ridiculous postscript about La Cosa Nostra getting into bed with the Vatican, death by poison cannoli, and hotheaded nephew Andy Garcia rolling gnocchi with Sofia Coppola as they interlace fingers (it's like a mobster version of the Ghost pottery-wheel scene). Critics dogpiled on 19-year-old Sofia. And she is terrible. But she's the least offensive thing in this act of cinematic grave-defiling.


The Tri-Lambs go to Fort Lauderdale. Lamar still wears leopard-print banana hammock undies, Booger's still a pig in a ''Who Farted?'' T-shirt, and as for Lewis and Gilbert, well, you couldn't keep Robert Carradine away with a stick. Anthony Edwards phones it in, though, calling the nerds from back on campus, where he's nursing a broken leg. Highlight: The nerds rap, with Wormser on the wheels of steel!


My favorite Trek joke goes ''What do they call Star Trek in Japan?'' Answer: Sulu, Master Navigator. My least favorite? The Final Frontier. Who else but William Shatner would show, in a film he's directing, a scene of himself manfully climbing Yosemite's El Capitan? Trek V is an oil slick of spiritual hooey in which Kirk meets God face-to-face, then sasses and back-talks him. In an irony probably lost on the hubristic, hairpieced auteur, God looks like atheist Karl Marx.

16. OCEAN'S TWELVE (2004)

Clooney and Co. forget what made Ocean's Eleven a gas, drowning their sequel in smug inside jokes (Julia Roberts' character impersonates Julia Roberts!) and painful additions (Catherine Zeta-Jones as a leather-clad world-class sleuth? Villain Vincent Cassel eluding infrared alarms by break dancing?). This is a bunch of zillionaires dishing out more of the same and expecting you to lap it up, say thank you, and tip the waiter.


Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have had sex with 20,000 women and he's the only pro basketball player ever to score 100 points in a game. But when it came to acting, he was shakier than Shaq at the foul line. Add Arnold Schwarzenegger and Grace Jones, and the cast of Conan 2 is like an all-star team of bad acting. The biggest irony is that Wilt's character is on board to protect the virginity of the princess on their quest. Talk about the fox in the henhouse.


Is there any doubt that Jake (Yippeeee!) Lloyd will be remembered as the intergalactic Jonathan Lipnicki? The dread kicks in during the opening scroll with its eye-glazing backstory about Trade Federations and taxation routes. We didn't wait 20 years for a lecture on supply-side economics! Right off the bat, Liam Neeson saves the life of Gungan minstrel Jar Jar Binks and it all goes to hell from there.


This really has nothing to do with Dirty Dancing other than its Swayze cameo. A WASPy daddy's girl moves to Cuba on the eve of la revoluciĆ³n and gets swept up in politics, mambo, and hormones as she falls for dancefloor diablo Diego Luna. Most memorable Swayze quote: ''If you can't move through your fear and connect it to yourself, there's absolutely no way you're going to connect with your partner.'' God bless him.

10. JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987)

After a Great White eats his plane, Michael Caine gets out of the water in a wet shirt. In the next shot, it's bone-dry. This is the kind of attention to detail that makes the fourth Jaws flick riper than a bucket of chum. The man-eater follows Mrs. Brody to the Bahamas, where Mario Van Peebles plays a Rastaman marine biologist. The video box boasts that it's ''the most incredible Jaws adventure of them all.'' Which is technically true.


It's amazing that people joke about Keanu Reeves being dumb, when he had the smarts to stay away from this. Sandra Bullock, however, is back as flibbertigibbet Annie, who's now dating Jason Patric's dreamy SWAT dude. We know he's sensitive because when he and Annie go on a cruise he talks to a girl in sign language. And we know fellow passenger Willem Dafoe's evil because he attaches leeches to himself after planting bombs on board. Frankly, the Norwalk virus would have made a more convincing villain.

5. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

We don't want to bust Clooney's chops when he's riding high, but this makes his work in Return of the Killer Tomatoes look like Olivier. Yes, the nipples on the Batsuit are unfortunate, but the real sin is the screenplay, which hands the cast such hardee-har bons mots as Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze line ''The iceman cometh!'' There's too much of everything here. It's the movie equivalent of Nero playing a fiddle.


I personally tuned out after Leprechaun 1, which featured outstanding work by Jennifer Aniston. But who'da thunk it would take them so long to come up with the idea of mixing Irish stereotypes and African-American ones? Equal parts funky fresh and severed flesh, this sixth chapter has America's favorite troll smoking weed and hunting the homeboys who stole his pot o' gold. If a movie could spark a race riot, this is it.


Again with the classy Roman numerals! This is one of the most brilliant marketing ploys ever. I don't know anyone who'd want to see Caddyshack 2, but Caddyshack II? Let me put on my ascot and monocle and I'm there! Unfortunately, Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, and the late great Ted Knight are not there. And Chevy Chase barely makes a cameo. Instead, how about a heapin' helpin' of Jackie Mason doing Catskills jokes that weren't funny the first time around?

From Entertainment Weekly. (list and copy by Chris Nashawaty.)

Commercials Of The Day: Nannerpuss

From Eli.

Rejected Postage Stamps Series Of The Day

The USPS made Elvis stamps, so why not these? A Photoshop contest from

The Gastric Bypass Collection

The STD Series

Husbands of Liz: A Collection

Apocalypse: The Collection

Legends Of Drag

The Computer Kama Sutra Series

The Mass Murderers Collection

Legends of Porn

South Park Series

Famous Aliens

Illegal Drugs
(to help you be sure you're buying the right stuff)

The Great American Fast Food Collection
(these stamps should be fatter)

Faces Of Evil


Clueless Musical Performance Of The Day

A "modern spiritual," says Lawrence at the end. I suppose that is true in a certain sense. I'd love to see Larry's face when someone told him what they were actually singing about.

"Mara who?"

The best part, though, might've been when Accordion Guy almost choked at the beginning. He shoulda just hocked right there on the air.

"This is Gail Dooflunky from Oklahoma and Dick --
hrhmm... gagchokecough -- excuse me (turns head to side) skharraaaaaaaaaaaaak! PTHEW! (wipes mouth) -- and Dick McWeed from Idaho..."

From Blong. Not Bong. Blong.


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