Wednesday, December 30, 2009

8 Sex Myths You Shouldn't Believe (Of The Day)

Hard to believe that anyone in the 21st century still thinks like this, but hey, it's from Fox News, and if they say it, then by god it must be 100% true, right? My only contributions are the notes in italics and a couple of additional myths at the end.

From Audra, who was as amused by this goofy 1950's-sounding list as I was.

They come up time and time again, those seemingly credible bits about sex that consumer magazines love to regurgitate. Many have been around for so long that they’ve become accepted as truth, but they are not. Here are eight of the most enduring sex myths.

1. A female is not a virgin if she does not have a hymen.

Societies around the world still believe that an intact hymen is proof of a woman's virginity (or fugliness). In these cultures, “chaste” women are ones who can be married off. What they don’t know is that some females can stretch or break their hymens through a variety of activities, like sports (?!) or tampon use. Furthermore, many hymens are merely stretched – not torn – during first-time intercourse (with a midget).

2. Men are more visually stimulated than women.

A study in the journal Brain Research indicates otherwise. Researchers measured the brainwave activity of women viewing slides of erotic and non-erotic images. Naturally, the brainwave activity became markedly different with the erotic slides. But what threw off researchers is that the female participants responded as strongly as men do to such imagery (i.e. we're all repulsed by the sight of hairy, sweaty balls.)

3. Only women can have multiple orgasms.

Females are not alone; men too can experience several non-ejaculatory orgasms in a row during a single sex session. This happens when: (A) a man has strengthened his pelvic muscles for greater control (by having an office on the other end of the building from the bathroom); (B) he has learned to back off from the “point of ejaculatory inevitability,” making his ultimate orgasm even stronger; or (C) he's been spankin' it so much that there's nothing left to ejaculate.

(Wait. Women have orgasms? Huh. Learn something new every day.)

4. Being uncircumcised is unhygienic.

For decades, parents in the U.S. have been circumcising their infant sons in the name of cleanliness. Only recently have parents started to second-guess the idea (blood and screaming can have that effect). As long as the foreskin is retracted during bathing, uncircumcised males are no more likely than circumcised males to develop problems with their penis caused by poor hygiene. (They are, however, more likely to be called "Sausage Dick" or "Ol' Turtlehead by other 14 year olds in the gym shower.)

5. A woman must be in love to climax.


6. Men do not have sensitive nipples.

Lots of men have nipples that are sensitive, if not very sensitive. While society tends to regard this erogenous zone as one for a lady’s pleasuring, some men’s nipples are more sensitive than a woman’s. Likewise, not all women have sensitive nipples (because plucking hair from them every day can cause loss of feeling.)

7. A woman must have an orgasm in order to conceive.

Not true, of course. However, British biologists found that when a woman has an orgasm from one minute before to 45 minutes after her partner (goes to sleep), she retains a much greater amount of sperm than she does after non-orgasmic sex. Muscular contractions associated with orgasm pull the sperm into the cervix, making fertilization more likely.

(A woman must have an orgasm, however, in order to go out with you again.)

8. Men’s members need to be handled with care.

(Member? Who uses that word besides Keva and Penthouse Forum?)

Just about any bloke will tell you that while his valuables are just that –- valuable –- he can handle a bit of (wo)manhandling. The key to figuring out just how much he can take, and where, is that matter of communication ("Watch the goddamn teeth!!" for example). Lovers need to talk about what grips, touches, and tugs feel good, especially since every guy is unique.


Ok, I'll add a few:

9. Women like to be slapped on the ass and have their hair pulled during sex

Not all of them. One does, but she was the exception, not the rule, and I think she was just really excited about being at her first Cubs game.

10. Guys get hornier when they drink

Yes and no. Most guys do tend to get frisky after an adult beverage or two, but when you finally tear them away from the bar after ten more of those beverages, closing the sale becomes a problem... not of desire, but of ability. See: whiskey dick.

11. Guys love it when you put your finger up their butt

Some do, some don't. Better to ask first, because if you do it to a guy who doesn't want it, you will lose that finger when his sphincter clamps shut with the force of a steel trap.

Any others you'd like to add?

Vid Of The Day: Aerobics

The 1987 Crystal Light National Aerobics Championship, team competition. Surprisingly enough, this was held at the San Francisco Bay Club. There's a longer version here, if you're a glutton for punishment.

Thanks, Arne & Dorf, for the links.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Vid Of The Day: Actor Enforcer

I almost did this to Jerry Van Dyke. Who? Exactly.

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

I got Sirius radio in my car for Christmas and this was the first song I heard on the 80s channel. I cancelled my subscription shortly thereafter.*

* Not really but I thought about it.

Velvet Paintings Of The Day

The old saying is true: you learn something new every day... especially when you troll the Weird Wide Web like I do, looking for comedy gems about boobs, poop and hilarious near-fatal injuries.

Case in point: did you know that the world is full of some truly amazing velvet art? I'm talking one of a kind, collectible pieces. Yes, we all know about velvet Elvis paintings, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Velvet is a great medium for almost any subject... like these...

Gotta start with the original: Elvis. Wait. Is that kd lang? Or maybe a young Wayne Newton.

Elvis? Not quite. El Vez, Mexico's answer to The King, or, as some call him, The Knave.

Here's Jesus with Gene Simmons dressed as Elvis. Notice which one has the angelic glow.

Speaking of Jesus, here He is watching over a big rig. Or maybe it's just a big rig carrying a giant Jesus statue to Heritage USA. Or maybe it's not Jesus at all, but an Allman brother, showing us the model truck he just finished building.

Not Jesus, but close: Willie Nelson. With Elvis' shades.

Zell Miller looks insane... just like in real life.

Kenny on velvet. A no-brainer. The man was made for velvet.

Celebrate our Native American heritage with a disembodied polar bear head with footless claws in place of a lower jaw, as worn by Garry Shandling.

Here's one for your entryway: Monica with fertilized dress. A real conversation starter.

This was falsely billed as a Neil Diamond collage. I see two Neils, but I don't know who the fuck that is on the bottom left.

Lynndie on velvet. Or is it Boomhauer from "King Of The Hill" wearing a wig?

Another Kenny, this time in profile and denim. If you think his eye looks too high, you're thinking about old Kenny, not new Kenny.

Phil Spector - why? Honestly, I think someone just wanted to paint his hair.

I was going to apologize that this painting of Lionel Richie is blurred, but that's actually a good thing.

Marilyn MAN-roe... tranny version.

Hank Williams, Jr. on poker night

Another Kenny, or Michael McDonald. Take your pick.

That poor tiger. He ran into the glass and smashed his face.

Hank, Jr. again. Whoever commissioned this probably asked for "Hank with a necklace." Instead, they got Hank, neckless.

One for the kid's room. This ought to help them get to sleep at night.

Whoa. It's the love child of Kenny Rogers and Dom DeLuise.

Twenty years ago, Don Johnson woulda kicked somebody's ass for this

It's a trap!

Finally, the pièce de ré⋅sis⋅tance: Charles Nelson Reilly. I would kill to own this painting.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Vids Of The Day (Non-Turd Version)

A little something to make up for all the crap videos I've foisted on you over the last couple of weeks.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday, and I thank you all so much for reading LOTD. I know the blog is lowbrow, rude, repetitive, and moody, but I hope it makes you laugh sometimes. If no one was reading, I probably would've stopped long ago, but you all make it worth doing.

No more posts until Monday. Enjoy your holidays.


The actual song starts at 1:45 if you want to skip the banter.

Best part @ 5:10.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

News Video Of The Day: Human Head Found In Burger

From The Onion.

Christmas Turd Of The Day (video)

Smells like donkey shite.

Best Of The Worst Christmas Albums, Vol. 2

More holiday horrors, but with a catch this time. Some are real, but others are fake, the fruits of a Photoshop contest. Can you tell which is which? You might be surprised.

Answers at the end of the post.

A few of these are from FOLOTD Kelley, who made her own scary Christmas albums list. See more here.

Fakes: Fran Drescher, Gene & Richard Simmons, Marcel Marceau, Johnny Rotten, Roseanne Barr, Shatner & Hasselhoff, Christmas With Kazoo, Homeless For The Holidays, Gilbert Gottfried. The rest are real.


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