Friday, May 29, 2009

Movie Trailer Of The Day

I cannot EFFING wait. I'll bring the Fritos. Daisy and Bev have the weed. Can someone bring a bong or two and some King Cobra? Thanks.

I mean, with Lorenzo Lamas, ya know, you got no complaints.

From Cleve, clearly a man with impeccable taste.

This reminds me of some of the shite I had to promote when I worked at a certain not-very-funny cable network... like the one about a giant sinkhole. In NEW ORLEANS... the city below sea level. There was also the one about silent rattlesnakes, but don't get me started.

9 Actors Who Imitate Other Actors

(Yes, another rerun, sorry. The blog suffers when work is all up in my ass. Thanks for your patience.)


Viggo Mortensen
Movie: G.I. Jane
Mimics: Christopher Walken

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself…" For years, Hollywood has blown out its birthday candles wishing for an actor who looked like Ed Harris but sounded like Christopher Walken. Viggo's performance as Master Chief Urgayle was so Walken-ian, he could have (a la Pulp Fiction) held a gold wristwatch in front of Demi Moore's face and told her, "I kept this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass two years," and you wouldn't have flinched.

Michael Rosenblum
Movie: Kickin' It Old Skool
Mimics: Chevy Chase

In Old Skool, Smallville's Lex Luthor plays a smarmy dickhead who stomps on the dreams of coma victim Jamie Kennedy—so, of course, Rosenbaum wisely studied the master. Before he became an unbearable douche, Chevy was the king of double talk (Fletch, anyone?). Rosenbaum's overly tanned, teeth-whitened TV host could easily have been played by Chevy if Old Skool came out 20 years ago and, you know, had any intention of being good.

Christian Slater
Movie: Heathers
Mimics: Jack Nicholson

Really, this one's a lifetime achievement award. Christian's been playing Lil' Jack his entire career, but nowhere is it more on the nose than in Heathers. The eyebrows, the wry, smirking delivery, the constant hanging around cheerleaders—it's Jack through and through. Why these two have never played father and son, we can't figure. Maybe 'cause Jack would have stepped on set like his Departed mob boss, said, "Knock it off, kid," and Christian's career would have ended much sooner.

Renée Zellweger
Movie: Cinderella Man
Mimics: Betty Boop

Someone should have beefed up Renée's 1930s research materials with something other than old cartoons. Her helium-pitched New Yawk accent didn't reflect a single human being who lived through the Depression, but it was a dead-on impression of the balloon-headed 2-D tramp Boop. For that matter, someone should have told Ron Howard that Max Baer actually didn't eat babies and shoot puppies in between rounds. Might have made a difference.

Josh Brolin
Movie: Planet Terror
Mimics: Nick Nolte

From the grizzled chin pubes to the long, greasy hair to the "I just woke up hungover five minutes ago" line delivery, the eldest Goonie channels Breakfast of Champion's Nolte to perfection. Nolte is the only other person who could look at an emergency room full of puss-oozing zombies and react with all the terror of someone who just noticed a scratch on his car door. "Aw, Christ…another go

Ben Affleck
Movie: Boiler Room
Mimics: Alec Baldwin

Remember Bugsy Malone, that movie where there was a bunch of little kids acting like tough gangsters? Well, since Boiler Room was a pre-K version of Glengarry Glen Ross, it's no wonder Affleck delivers a watered-down, pre-pubescent version of Baldwin's classic castrating sales lecture. Affleck's about as intimidating as a male nurse, so the effect is, let's say, less intense than the stare-down from Alec's Blake. Hey, Ben, put that coffee down.

For the rest, see the full article on

Music Video Of The Day

From Willie.

The 20 Most Recognizable Scents In The World

According to a Yale University study cited by and Crayola.

At first glance I saw baby powder and cigarette butts back to back and thought for a split second that they'd listed "baby butts." "Yep," I thought to myself, "That's a recognizable scent all right." The first time I changed my child's diaper was an eye-opening (and sinus-opening) event. I was one of those guys who had never changed one before. Hoooooo doggy. I spied the carnage in that newborn-sized Pampers and turned to my wife.

"Did you feed her a sloppy Joe?"

And the smell. Sweet hot Jesus.

"Is that normal?" I said. "I think she might be sick or something."

She laughed. "Nope. Normal."

"Fuck. Me. Sideways. That shit ain't right. She gonna be doing this a lot?"

"Yep," says the Mrs. "And so are you."

1. Coffee
2. Peanut butter
3. Vicks VapoRub
4. Chocolate
5. Wintergreen oil
6. Baby powder
7. Cigarette butts
8. Mothballs
9. Dry cat food
10. Beer
11. Ivory bar soap
12. Juicy Fruit gum
13. Orange
14. Cinnamon
15. Lemon
16. Tuna
17. Banana
18. Crayons
19. Cheese
20. Bleach

Thursday, May 28, 2009

QOTD: Craziest Thing

What's the craziest/wildest/most effed-up thing you've ever witnessed (firsthand, not on video)?

Earthquake? Plane crash? Killer bee attack? Pigs flying? Dwarf tossing? The Oakland Raiders winning a game?


Motivational Posters Of The Day, Vol. 13

More motivational hilarity, this time from Bubbasmom and Keva.

Vid Of The Day: P-Low, The Skillful Abbot

Remember on Beavis & Butthead how sometimes they'd be watching a really weird or lame music video, and it would cut to B & B just sitting there, staring blankly at the TV? That's what I'm doing now.

From Julie M., who made my day with this.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Vid Of The Day: I Won The Lottery (NSFW)

From Reno 911 and Tom Kane, my celebrity friend. Bursting with hilariously foul language.

Vid Of The Day: The Slap Project

I'd like to try this with some FOLOTDs, so I'm taking volunteers. If no one steps up, I have some candidates in mind. You'll be notified.

Ha, I'm kidding of course. Each one of you has a special place in my tiny little heart.

Slap Project from Nick Campbell on Vimeo.

Incomplete List Of Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Punishments

I will not waste chalk

I will not skateboard in the halls

I will not burp in class

I will not instigate revolution

I will not draw naked ladies in class

I did not see Elvis

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"

Garlic gum is not funny

They are laughing at me, not with me

I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom

I will not encourage others to fly

I will not fake my way through life

Tar is not a plaything

I will not Xerox my butt

It's potato, not potatoe (a reference to Dan Quayle)

I will not trade pants with others

I am not a 32 year old woman

I will not do that thing with my tongue

I will not drive the principal's car

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart

I will not sell school property

I will not cut corners (written only on top line, with hatch marks “ “ on subsequent lines)

I will not get very far with this attitude

I will not make flatulent noises in class

I will not belch the National Anthem

I will not sell land in Florida

I will not grease the monkey bars

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment

I will not do anything bad ever again

I will not show off (written in Olde English font)

I will not sleep through my education

I am not a dentist

Spitwads are not free speech

Nobody likes sunburn slappers

High explosives and school don't mix

I will not bribe Principal Skinner

I will not squeak chalk (squeaks the chalk while writing this)

I will finish what I sta (on one line; the rest is blank)

"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender

I will not fake rabies

Underwear should be worn on the inside

The Christmas Pageant does not stink

I will not torment the emotionally frail

I will not carve gods

I will not spank others

I will not aim for the head

I will not barf unless I'm sick

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge

I will not conduct my own fire drills

Funny noises are not funny

I will not spin the turtle

I will not snap bras

I will not fake seizures

This punishment is not boring and pointless

My name is not Dr. Death

I will not defame New Orleans (after the city of New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")

I will not prescribe medication

I will not bury the new kid

I will not teach others to fly

I will not bring sheep to class

A burp is not an answer

Teacher is not a leper

Coffee is not for kids (each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)

I will not eat things for money

I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call

The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee

I will not call the principal "spud head"

Goldfish don't bounce

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

No one is interested in my underpants

I will not sell miracle cures

I will return the seeing-eye dog

I do not have diplomatic immunity

I will not charge admission to the bathroom

I will never win an Emmy (Seen in the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series," but wasn't nominated. The show had won "Best Animated Series" Emmys in the past.)

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle

I am not delightfully saucy

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (in the 100th episode)

There are plenty of businesses like show business

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Beans are neither fruit nor musical

I will not use abbrev.

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.

I will not send lard through the mail

I will not dissect things unless instructed

I will not whittle hall passes out of soap

Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice

Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does

Next time it could be me on the scaffolding

I will not hang donuts on my person

I will remember to take my medication

I will not strut around like I own the place

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far

I do not have power of attorney over first graders

Nerve gas is not a toy

I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface

The First Amendment does not cover burping

This is not a clue...or is it? (in the episode rumored to contain clues to the identity of Mr. Burns' shooter)

I will not complain about the solution when I hear it (in the episode where Mr. Burns’ shooter is revealed)

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism

No one wants to hear from my armpits

I am not a lean mean spitting machine

The boys room is not a water park

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

I will only do this once a year

I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist

I am not certified to remove asbestos

I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten

I am not my long-lost twin

The truth is not out there

I am not licensed to do anything

I will not hide the teacher's Prozac

A fire drill does not demand a fire

I no longer want my MTV

Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story

I did not invent Irish dancing

I will not tease Fatty

There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"

Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related

Shooting paintballs is not an art form

Pain is not the cleanser

Silly String is not a nasal spray

I was not told to do this

My butt does not deserve a website

I will not demand what I'm worth (a reference to the holdout of the cast for more money)

I will not mess with the opening credits (in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)

I am not the new Dalai Lama

I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" (in the episode after the series finale of "Seinfeld")

I will not file frivolous lawsuits

No one cares what my definition of "is" is

I will not scream for ice cream

I am not a licensed hairstylist

"The President did it" is not an excuse (shown the day after President Clinton was impeached)

My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld

Sherri does not "got back"

I will not do the Dirty Bird

No one wants to hear about my sciatica

Hillbillies are people too

Grammar is not a time of waste

It does not suck to be you

I cannot absolve sins

A trained ape could not teach gym

Loose teeth don't need my help

I have neither been there nor done that

I'm so very tired

Fridays are not "pants optional"

Pork is not a verb

I am not the last Don

I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize

I won't not use no double negatives

I can't see dead people

I will not sell my kidney on eBay

I will not create art from dung

I will stop phoning it in

Class clown is not a paid position

Substitute teachers are not scabs

My suspension was not "mutual"

A belch is not an oral report

Dodgeball stops at the gym door

"Non-Flammable" is not a challenge

I was not touched "there" by an angel

I am not here on a fartball scholarship

I will not dance on anyone's grave

I cannot hire a substitute student

I will not obey the voices in my head

I will not plant subliminal messagores

I will not surprise the incontinent

I am not the acting President (a reference to the 2000 Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode aired)

I was not the sixth Beatle

I will only provide a urine sample when asked

The nurse is not dealing

Science class should not end in tragedy

Network TV is not dead

I will not "let the dogs out"

I will not hide the teacher's medication

I will not publish the Principal's credit report

The hamster did not have "a full life"

I will not buy a Presidential pardon (a reference to President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations to his campaign)

"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap

I will not scare the Vice President (reference to Dick Cheney's hospitalization with a heart condition)

I will not flush evidence

Fire is not the cleanser

Genetics is not an excuse

Today is not Mothra's day (aired on Mother's Day, 2001)

I should not be twenty-one by now (Bart would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally)

Nobody reads these anymore

A burp in a jar is not a science project

Fun does not have a size

I am not Charlie Brown on acid

I do not have a cereal named after me (when this episode aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch)

I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers

The giving tree is not a chump

Making Milhouse cry is not a science project

Vampire is not a career choice

I will never lie about being cancelled again (a reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up." Groening later claimed he was "misquoted")

Fish do not like coffee

Milhouse did not test cootie positive

This school does not need a "regime change"

SpongeBob is not a contraceptive

I will not (Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe)

My pen is not a booger launcher

Sandwiches should not contain sand

Over forty & single is not funny

I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be

Poking a dead raccoon is not research

Beer in a milk carton is not milk

A booger is not a bookmark

Does any kid still do this anymore?

I am not smarter than the President

Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual

I will not laminate dog doo

I will not flip the classroom upside down (classroom is upside-down while Bart writes)

I will not leak the plot of the movie

Je ne parle pas Français

Have a great summer, everyone

Frankincense is not a monster

Global warming did not eat my homework

I will not look up what teacher makes

Pearls are not oyster barf

I will not wait 20 years to make another movie

The Wall Street Journal is better than ever

I am not an FDIC-insured bank

There is no such thing as an iPoddy

The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens

The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"

Teacher did not pay too much for her condo

The art teacher is pregnant, not fat

A person's a person no matter how Ralph

This punishment is not medieval.

Via The Simpsons Archive

Vids Of The Day: The Big Lebowski/John Turturro (NSFW)

First, my favorite scene from one of my favorite movies (NSFW - language).

John Turturro talks about how he and the Coen brothers created the Jesus character. Funny and interesting.

The 10 Most Worthless College Majors

From Kurt and

College is a great place to learn and have fun. But let’s not kid ourselves, some degrees are as useless as the plot in a Michael Bay film. Here’s a list of 10 degrees that may be interesting, but do jack shit for you in the real world.

10. Art History

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: With an art history degree you could maybe curate an art gallery or work at a museum or….yeah, that’s it. That’s all you can do. And seeing as how every art gallery and museum I’ve ever been to has exactly one dude sitting quietly at a desk reading a New Yorker and eating a food that requires chopsticks, I’m going to go ahead and assume there’s not a lot of positions open in the field.

What Job You’ll End Up With: After your parents boot your ass from your bedroom, you’ll wander towards the nearest coffee shop and get a job there, which will allow you to meet artists who put fliers by the cash register to inform people of their upcoming show featuring “the combination of art and flute.”

9. Philosophy

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: This isn’t ancient Greece: no one is going to pay you money, or allow you to sodomize their attractive son, in exchange for your knowledge of existence. Never has there been an employer who’s said “Man, we’re having all kinds of problems, I wish we had someone on our team who could reference and draw conclusions from the story of Siddhartha that would pull up our fourth quarter numbers.”

What Job You’ll End Up With: Thanks to your extensive knowledge of philosophy, you’re now self-aware enough to know that most jobs out there will make you totally miserable. So most likely you’ll wait tables part time and hope someone starts paying you for the bi-monthly entries on your blog.

7. Music Therapy

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: I didn’t even know this was a major until I found it on the Appalachian State website. According to them, “Music therapy is the scientific application of the art of music within a therapeutic relationship to meet the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of individuals.” Which is a big, fancy way of saying “We’ll teach you how to make a mix tape.”

What Job You’ll End Up With: After realizing that yoga studios and elderly homes don’t pay people just to come in and set mood music, you’re going to end up putting your degree towards burning a fire to keep warm because you are homeless.

5. Dance

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Despite what “Dancing with the Stars” and “High School Musical” may tell you, there aren’t a lot of dancing jobs out there -- so you better be good, because there really aren’t any gigs for mediocre dancers. Outside of New York or LA there is absolutely nothing you can do with a dance degree that doesn’t involve actually dancing for money. And since the Des Moines interpretive dance movement hasn’t really taken off yet, you have a better chance landing a job as an 8-Track repairman or a member of the Beatles.

What Job You’ll End Up With: After moving to New York and trying out for Hello Dolly! or Damn Yankees or any of the other seven Broadway plays that want dancers and not landing a single one because you got your dance degree from Ball State, you will find ample opportunity to show off your choreographic skills at one of the city’s many strip clubs.

3. Latin

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Not only does no one speak this language anymore, but we already have all the Latin that exists in the world. There’s no new Latin that’s hot off the presses that needs immediate translating. I’m no business major, but majoring in a language that doesn’t exist anymore doesn’t sound so good for job security.

What Job You’ll End Up With: Since you majored in something that doesn’t exist, you’re going to have two jobs. Your first one will be as the annoying pretentious guy who gives everyone the Latin etymology of every big word he hears at every dinner party he attends. Your second, and most lucrative job, will be as a Subway Sandwich Artist.

2. Film

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: No one in hollywood gives a shit that you made a short film about an alcoholic albino that discovers the meaning of life through the help of a retarded child. Unless that retarded child was played by the son of Harvey Weinstein, your film or degree will be as pointless as the last twelve seasons of "ER."

What Job You’ll End Up With: If you’re lucky, you’ll have an uncle who can get you a job as a production assistant on CSI Miami, where your time will be spent making coffee runs and finding whores who will let David Caruso pee on them.

For the rest, see the full article at

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Vid Of The Day: Black Sabbath Fan (NSFW)

I think he likes 'em, the fat fuck. And you thought Chris Farley was dead. Stick with it -- the closer he gets, the better it gets.

They were right to be afraid of him.

NSFW - language

Top 10 Wackiest Sex Laws In America

Yes, they are real. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I have broken one of them.

From Mr. Minimac and

1. In Bakersfield, CA,
you must use a condom to have sex with Satan.

2. Poking a porcupine is illegal in Florida.

3. In Minnesota, it's illegal to have sex a live fish.

4. In Dyersburg, TN, it is illegal for a lady to call a gentleman for a date.

5. In Merryville, MO, wearing a corset is illegal because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

6. It's illegal to purchase sex toys in Alabama.

7. In Washington state, you can have sex with an animal, but only if it weighs less than 40 lbs.

8. In Washington, D.C., engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal.

9. In Massachusetts, you cannot consummate your love with a rodeo clown in view of horses.

10. In Utah, America's biggest Internet-porn-consuming state, sex with an animal is fine unless you're doing it for money.

Link of The Day: Test Your Color-Q

Take the Munsell Color Hue test (click the pic) and find out how well you can detect subtle differences in shade.

Me, I won't even bother -- I suck at color. For years I thought that oranges were yellow.

Genius Of The Day


Talk about half-cocked...

Man Shoots Own Penis To Impress Friends

All of his friends probably think differently now of 27-year-old Lukas Neuhardt, who, in an attempt to impress them, stuck a loaded handgun into his pants and pulled the trigger. He thought the safety was on.

Embarrassed, the German national told emergency medical personnel that he was the victim of a mugging; however, the police doubted this story from the beginning.

"Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself," said one police source.

Surgeons were able to stitch together the remains of his manhood, but Neuhardt faces up to 3 years in prison for violating Germany's very strict gun control laws.

This post brought to you by Libby's Vienna Sausages.
"It's not the size, it's the flavor."

Hangover Cures (ha) Of The Day


Crunch & Munch
To help avoid a hangover, try to eat or snack before or while drinking.

Rehydrating is the key to recovering from the hangover, and this cannot be stressed enough. You can even put some lemon in your water, it'll help soothe your stomach and will add vitamin C. Avoid water that is extremely cold or hot; drink water at room temperature.

Even though you're extremely tired and a cup of coffee seems like the best way to wake you up, try to stay away from it. Caffeine will only dehydrate you more, and since it's also a diuretic, it will not help your stomach. Milk and other dairy products are also not a good idea; they may make you feel more queasy.

Juice is also a good idea; vitamin C will help give you the energy you'll need.Sports drinks such as Gatorade have been known to work for some people.

Here, Honey
Have some tablespoons of plain honey, or add some honey to your water or cup of tea. It'll help soothe the dryness in your throat.

A Toast!
After drinking to just about every toast that could be made the night before, some slices of plain toast could be a good idea - avoid putting jam or butter on them.

Eating some fruit is also a good idea. It'll be refreshing and give you the vitamins and energy you'll need to replenish your body.

If you're not having fruit or drinking juice, take vitamin C or another type of multivitamin.

Drugs? Yes, Please
Have an over-the-counter painkiller such as aspirin or ibuprofen, to help ease the headache. Do Not have acetaminophen-based pills; these can be dangerous when mixed with the alcohol in your system. Take the pills in the morning, not before going to bed when the alcohol is still prominent in your system.

Either sleep in, or wake up and take any of the above-mentioned measures and go back to bed. This is assuming, of course, that you have the luxury of sleeping in for that particular day.

Another effective way to alleviate the pain is to lie in a dark room, with a cool compress on your head.

Music Video Of The Day

This one's for all you hungover drunks who had too much fun at the cookout yesterday. Crank it and get that head really throbbing.

My old band, The New Impostors, played this song. And we rokkkkked that bitch, yo.

Sorry about the ad. MTV sucks.


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