Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Worst Endings To TV Series

From Maxim (2007).

Twin Peaks
We never quite got Twin Peaks, what with its waltzing midgets and dense dream sequences involving pregnant, shrieking coyote-women. Its unresolved cliff-hanger ending, in which Special Agent Cooper sorta half-becomes the baddie Bob, didn't help matters much. It's never a good thing when viewers can't understand what's going on without the assistance of somebody armed with Cliffs Notes, diagrams, and, for reenactment purposes, sock puppets.

So wait—Sydney was working for the secret, secret, secret quasi-governmental cabal or the secret, secret ULTRA-secret one? Prophet 5, SD-6, The Covenant, Rambaldi… What's this about who's what? If this impenetrably plotted show had dressed Jennifer Garner as conservatively as the Law & Order gals, it'd have been off the air in about 18 seconds.

Quantum Leap
You gotta love shows on the cusp of cancellation that don't see the writing on the wall. The last Quantum Leap, a fairly typical episode with somewhat of a cliff-hanger ending, was appended with a simple "Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home," which would've been all well and good, except for the fact that the entire show was premised on the dude returning home. It was the prime-time drama equivalent of a football game ending in the middle of the third quarter without an explanation.

After Bruce Willis started mowing down baddies in Die Hard and Cybill Shepherd squeezed out her twins (which accounted for her absence in the postcoital fourth season), neither star had the slightest interest in being on the show anymore. So you send them out quickly and quietly, right? Uh, no. The last Moonlighting ep showed Maddie and David rushing around like vertiginous chickens as the show's set was disassembled around them; they even got lectured by ABC executives. There's a fine line between "breaking the fourth wall" between viewer and show and "crapping" all "over" "a creative endeavor" that had once "meant something" to a gazillion "viewers."

The Sopranos
We're putting this one on the list a few weeks in advance (and no, we haven't received advance screeners). If David Chase and co. stubbornly refused to tell us the fate of the Russian left in the woods way back in season three, we have little hope that they'll answer any of our other questions. Our best guess: The Sopranos ends with Tony eating something (turkey? gelato?) with the same look of bemused annoyance that he's worn for the last three seasons shrouding his face. (Yep.) And every reviewer in the universe will laud Chase's "bravery" for having plotted such a daring, dramatically unconventional climax. (Yep.)

St. Elsewhere
After multiple seasons of pre-"Deal Or No Deal" Howie Mandel hijinks, we learned that the whole thing took place (or didn't take place) in the mind of an autistic kid. No, seriously.

Leaving the gang in prison after finding them guilty of violating a Good Samaritan law—what's up with that? (Utter that last clause in a nasal, New Yawk whine, if you will.) The conclusion may have been true to the show's no-hugs, no-learning blueprint, but it wasn't remotely…what's the word we're looking for here…funny, perhaps? Costanza deserved better.

The show spent its final season methodically and nonsensically killing off most of its memorable characters (e.g.: Warden Leo Glynn got stabbed as part of some conspiracy involving the governor and Said got shanked for being too righteous or something). But the blow-off of the series-long Beecher vs. Schillinger subplot remains several levels beyond unforgivable. After all the rape, kid-killing, face-pooping, and sublime nastiness, Beecher accidentally kills Schillinger during a prison performance of Macbeth? That's all we get for our emotional investment in the feud? Fuck you. Really. Fuck you.

The X Files
By the time The X Files was mercifully euthanized—roughly 40 episodes too late—the show's black-oil, sewn-eyed-aliens conspiracy had long since ventured into the realm of the absurd. In the finale, the show attempted, through some kind of court-martial proceeding involving Mulder and lots of flashbacks, to dig itself out from under a trash heap of red herrings. Alas, the explanation made things even worse—it exposed plenty of holes in the storytelling. And that was before a helicopter materialized out of nowhere and killed the Cigarette Smoking Man for the 11th time.

Vids Of The Day: Treadmill Cats

These make me laugh. From Lynn.

Vid Of The Day: Puberty

From Melissa A., who was wondering what was up with her coochacha.

Via: IHeartChaos

8 Sex Myths You Shouldn't Believe

Hard to believe that anyone in the 21st century still thinks like this, but hey, it's from Fox News, and if they say it, then by god it must be 100% true, right? My only contributions are the notes in italics and the three additional points at the end of the list.

From Audra, who was as amused by this goofy 1950's-sounding list as I was.

They come up time and time again, those seemingly credible bits about sex that consumer magazines love to regurgitate. Many have been around for so long that they’ve become accepted as truth, but they are not. Here are eight of the most enduring sex myths.

1. A female is not a virgin if she does not have a hymen.

Societies around the world still believe that an intact hymen is proof of a woman's virginity (or fugliness). In these cultures, “chaste” women are ones who can be married off. What they don’t know is that some females can stretch or break their hymens through a variety of activities, like sports (?!) or tampon use. Furthermore, many hymens are merely stretched – not torn – during first-time intercourse (with a midget).

2. Men are more visually stimulated than women.

A study in the journal Brain Research indicates otherwise. Researchers measured the brainwave activity of women viewing slides of erotic and non-erotic images. Naturally, the brainwave activity became markedly different with the erotic slides. But what threw off researchers is that the female participants responded as strongly as men do to such imagery (i.e. we're all repulsed by the sight of hairy, sweaty balls.)

3. Only women can have multiple orgasms.

Females are not alone; men too can experience several non-ejaculatory orgasms in a row during a single sex session. This happens when: (A) a man has strengthened his pelvic muscles for greater control (by having an office on the other end of the building from the bathroom); (B) he has learned to back off from the “point of ejaculatory inevitability,” making his ultimate orgasm even stronger; or (C) he's been spankin' it so much that there's nothing left to ejaculate.

(Wait. Women have orgasms? Huh. Learn something new every day.)

4. Being uncircumcised is unhygienic.

For decades, parents in the U.S. have been circumcising their infant sons in the name of cleanliness. Only recently have parents started to second-guess the idea (blood and screaming can have that effect). As long as the foreskin is retracted during bathing, uncircumcised males are no more likely than circumcised males to develop problems with their penis caused by poor hygiene. (They are, however, more likely to be called "Sausage Dick" or "Ol' Turtlehead by other 14 year olds in the gym shower.)

5. A woman must be in love to climax.


6. Men do not have sensitive nipples.

Lots of men have nipples that are sensitive, if not very sensitive. While society tends to regard this erogenous zone as one for a lady’s pleasuring, some men’s nipples are more sensitive than a woman’s. Likewise, not all women have sensitive nipples (because plucking hair from them every day can cause loss of feeling.)

7. A woman must have an orgasm in order to conceive.

Not true, of course. However, British biologists found that when a woman has an orgasm from one minute before to 45 minutes after her partner (goes to sleep), she retains a much greater amount of sperm than she does after non-orgasmic sex. Muscular contractions associated with orgasm pull the sperm into the cervix, making fertilization more likely.

(A woman must have an orgasm, however, in order to go out with you again.)

8. Men’s members need to be handled with care.

(Members? Who uses that word besides Keva and Penthouse Forum?)

Just about any bloke will tell you that while his valuables are just that –- valuable –- he can handle a bit of (wo)manhandling. The key to figuring out just how much he can take, and where, is that matter of communication ("OW!!! FUCKING HELL!!! Watch the goddamn teeth!!" for example). Lovers need to talk about what grips, touches, and tugs feel good, especially since every guy is unique.


Ok, I'll add a few:

9. Women like to be slapped on the ass and have their hair pulled during sex

Not all of them. One does, but she was the exception, not the rule, and I think she was just really excited about being at her first Cubs game.

10. Guys get hornier when they drink

Yes and no. Most guys do tend to get frisky after an adult beverage or two, but when you finally tear them away from the bar after ten more of those beverages, closing the sale becomes a problem... not of desire, but of ability. See: whiskey dick.

11. Guys love it when you put your finger up their butt

Some do, some don't. Better to ask first, because if you do it to a guy who doesn't want it, you will lose that finger when his sphincter clamps shut with the force of a steel trap.


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