Thursday, October 30, 2014

Quotes From Comedian Mitch Hedberg Of The Day

RIP, you funny dead bastard.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off?"

This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky.

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!

How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular."

What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance!

I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar!"

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I love sandwiches. Sandwiches are easy to eat, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis; too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side.

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!

I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe s. Reese-apostrophe-s, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"

Spoof Of The Day: Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln Commercials

I don't watch SNL, so I missed these. Until today.



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